When I
was a lad I came upon the East. I suspect this is pretty
common among curious youngsters longing for understanding of the Nature
of Things. I looked into the Zen of it all, the Rinzai and the
Soto both, settled into the Mahayana, and acquired, buffet style, my own
plate of understanding which has served over the years to provide the
calm I've needed during times of great stress.
Fused to
this outlook (inlook?), or perhaps enrobed in it, is a theatrical point
of view toward the universe, a belief that self amusement is what the
cosmos is involved in and, all things being equal, it's a Really Big
Shoe wherein forgetting that the play is a play is the best way to get
to the pith of the thing. If the sound and the fury are signifying
nothing then perhaps the best attitude, since you're stuck here, is to
enjoy the ride and make the whole shmear a really good, engrossing
story.
When life
gets very frightening, when loss is on the doorstep, when the mask of
individuation gets stuck on one's face, the mantra of "it's only a
movie" can act as a kind of ejection seat from it all. In a
sense it's denial. But so is aspirin. Religion is
essentially self-medication, but then all medication is self-medication
when you get right down to it.
So when we
find ourselves hurtling toward disaster, entering a hostile atmosphere
with friction creating an unbearable heat, we pray Please God don't let
us suffer. Acknowledging powerlessness or, at least, the
relinquishing of control can unburden one's soul if one is inclined to
believe in such things.
Luckily,
in middle age, I've forgotten all this and life is a daily torpedo ride
of fear and love.
Since you
last heard from me Amy's had a few more seizures, prompting a restart of
the game of musical meds. I can feel my own body decay with stress
manifesting itself in a parade of nightmares and explosive jolts into
wakefulness in the wee hours. Sometimes I wake up yelling.
Twitching and aching are my latest hobbies. Viv's car died.
Our furnace went on the fritz. The lawn is browning nicely.
The darkroom's like a morgue. The compressed disc in my neck has
set my left wing on fire. Viv spent a week in Hawaii on business
thereby booking me on a one-week run of "Woe Is Me," a maudlin
one-man show based on ancient cave dweller paintings which depict a tiny
hunter being trampled by mammoths and nibbled to death by cats.
It's a triumph of self-pity. Magnificent! says the Times.
My
calendar is a scratch pad of trips rescheduled and plans undone, so I'm
finding solace in a rich fantasy life where I'm married to Diana Krall,
Marisa Tomei, and Helen Hunt and oh yeah Viv (I knew she'd see how
sensible it was), and we all get along fabulously. The world's
best photographers are driven to their knees by my New York and San
Francisco exhibitions. Random House says yes, okay, add another
zero. Architectural Digest won't leave me alone about my house in
Montecito and wow was I lucky to find this au pair. Where did she
learn to cook like that?! Boy my hair looks great.
So there
it is. I had to get this out. Good to post again. I'm
told sanity will return eventually if I relax or receive a sharp
blow to the head. Sorry if I've disappointed but hey, reality may
not be a tourist attraction.
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