describably delicious 1.12.99

The experiment in Better Living Through Beverages continues as I've made one foray to a local Gelson's market and found a variety of drinks concocted to make me a finer human being, if such a thing is possible.

I bought two drinks yesterday, "d-stress" and "stamina", both brought to us by Hansen's, the soft drink people who remind us that there's no fruit too obscure to be squeezed into a beverage and sold as exciting and new. Come aboard. They're expecting you.

To prevent "beverage effect overlap", or BEO, I am ingesting only one of the potions per day, or 1 PPD. Not only does this practice prevent the data from being muddied, it also ensures that for the duration of the testing there will be no need to take out a second mortgage. Almost two bucks a pop, folks, JFC.

Yesterday's test centered around the "d-stress". The label describes it as a sparkling ginger drink with Kava Kava, St. John's Wort, and Tyrosine. Thank god for that, because I am nothing without my Tyrosine.

The most important ingredient in any product of this type is the text on the label which explains why you need it. Content providers the world over recognize that these days, to sell anything, certain key phrases must be used in order for their product to remain on the cutting edge. So, like twitching gnomes, they huddle in dark inner offices to concoct pithy phrases aimed at your most throbbing socioeconomic desires. A product is guaranteed to turn a profit if its package sports these words: "contemporary lifestyles", "body and mind", "specially formulated", "have been used for centuries", "chill out", "naturally". To ensure that the consumer regards the product as potent, the cleverest gnomes will add "Exercise caution when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery." I suspect it won't be long before beverage executives realize that profits may triple with the addition of "Remember, superior sex does not end with the orgasm - occasionally a partner needs to be spoken with and held."

So here are my findings, and don't forget, these results are strictly empirical. "d-stress" tastes gingery, more gingery than ginger ale, and this is a good thing because I like ginger. And that concludes the definitive portion of the test.

The drink may really be soothing, but I'm so uptight and outta sight I could never be sure. It may be that the only way to truly calm me is to take a nut pick to my Islets of Langerhans and watch to see if my toes unclench.

And clenched they were, yesterday, as I made a u-turn near the post office. Jeepers. There's a run on penny stamps! The line of cars was out the parking lot, into the street and around the corner. I thought about braving the crowd, but there was just a little too much "contemporary lifestyle" going on. Maybe I'll give it a try later today after I guzzle down a can of "stamina". It's got bee pollen!

Great. I'll get hives.

today's music:

"War Dance For Wooden Indians" -- Russ Case & His Orchestra -- BACHELOR'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY


today's wisdom:

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."

- Mark Twain