|22 feb 1999|
who da man
Mike did a brake job on Viv's Acura this weekend while I, Virus-boy, languished on a cloud of goosefeathers, watched cable TV, and ate pretzels. I fought the urge to cross the street in my robe and socks to supervise, choosing instead to let Viv bask alone in Mike's knowing manliness, a masculinity I can't compete with as a moist drowse-about who sounds like he has beans up his nose. He's over there jacking up her rear end while I'm over here pulling tissues out of my sleeve and trying to delay a sneeze so I don't miss an ingredient in a recipe on FoodTV. Gosh it feels good to be so evolved, so in tune with the allowances offered to a man at the turn of the millennium. Sure, back in the '50's I would've been ridiculed, but now, thanks to Mses. Steinem and Friedan et al., I can sit back and enjoy the fruits of my sickness with a clear conscience while my wife toils with the neighbor man beneath her car. I am free of those chains that bound me, liberated, the Modern Man that Helen Gurley Brown has been looking for all these years.
I think this is why most men fear me.
I don't want to mislead you. Trust me, beneath this mouthbreathing exterior lies a smoldering satyr, a deep-thinking dragonslayer who can buckle his swash with the best of 'em. Just not right now. I have a tickle in my throat, and one of my nostrils is just the eensiest bit red. Come close. Does this look infected to you?
* * * * * * *
In other news, well, there isn't any other news, really. The backyard looks like hell, having gone unmowed for weeks. The house needs vacuuming. The bathroom remodeling needs to be finished -- it's just two hours worth of work, but it's two hours we haven't seemed to have had since, oh, last summer? The front lawn needs fertilizing. The patio furniture needs cleaning and sealing. My car needs tires. I need to shave.
I could really get to it if I didn't have these crippling sniffles. Chores and duties need to be eased into, am I right? It's a health concern. Mustn't tax the body. Healing requires patience and the proper frame of mind. Begin with something pleasant.
I think I'll start my Christmas shopping. That oughta piss people off.
"Shipoopi" -- Buddy Hackett & The Ensemble -- THE MUSIC MAN: ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK
"Laziness is sometimes mistaken for patience."
- French proverb