16 april 1999  

i may be igneous, but i ain't stupid

Last night, just after midnight, I had a rock come flying out of my penis.

Thank you. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Drive safely.

These things happen, you know, to us old guys. In one glorious moment of projectile urination, I got one step closer to being Bill Gallagher. I told you this would happen. Well, maybe not this, but I swore to you up and down that I was going to age in leaps and bounds, and with that particular experience now behind me, I can ride more proudly through the gates of Wrinkle City.

Kidney stones are no fun, and you knew that, and as this one went it went more smoothly than many. Some folks go through unimaginable pain when a kidney stone takes its little jagged self on a tour through the pipes. Me, I just had to contend with its divine noticeability in those last several several several inches.

I was in the final phase of my nightly hydraulics and WHAM! Thar she sat at the bottom of the bowl. Retrieving it was my number one concern. Prideful? Me? Beyond a little pearl diving? No sir. In I went. Medical evidence, dontcha know. I was suddenly not sleepy anymore. And what do we do, boys and girls, when we're not sleepy anymore? That's right, we go to the internet.

It wasn't to simply surf, of course (in fact I cringe now at the term "surf" as it brings only visions of turbulent salty water mixed with sand), I was on a quest. In just a few sweaty-palmed clicks I found out that this sort of thing is not uncommon among men with urinary tract infections (see, I AM in the old man's club 'cause I'm talking like this in public). On various sites I could view gigantic enlargements of a variety of man-made minerals. I could read stories of incredible agony. Here's one excerpt from a woman:

"I'd rather have 1,500 children than have one attack of kidney stones," Mrs. Wilson echoes. "To give you a comparison of the pain, I was in an automobile wreck in 1963 and I went through the windshield and came back through. I was awake for five hours while they sewed my face up. That didn't hurt nearly as bad as an attack of kidney stones."


Viv was very compassionate, stricken with a mix of awe and disgust. She's a good wife. Come to think of it, our anniversary is coming up. Perhaps I'll have my new gem mounted in a ring for her - that's how much I love the girl.

Okay. Today's report is brief. I am taking to my bed now, in the 90 degree California weather, to drink lots of water and remember my youth.

today's music:

"Look To Your Orb For The Warning" -- Monster Magnet -- THE MATRIX: MUSIC FROM THE MOTION PICTURE


today's wisdom:

"The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not."

- George Bernard Shaw